chatvert | Alex Eviscerates The Bourne Legacy: Chapter Two

/exhales

Apparently I was so caught up in the extreme racism from the last chapter that I barely even noticed the rubbish fight choreography in that scene. Like. What?? Blocking a baseball bat with his bicep? What??? So props to

DigitalSocrates for bringing that to my attention. Which means...A NEW COUNT!

'80s Ninja Choreography: 1

Because that was like something out of a terrible 1980s ninja-fighting movie.

And then there was something else I forgot to bring up that has bothered me for years about that careless tossing-away of two integral characters.

Alex and Mo have been through a lot of shit through their association with Jason Bourne. Mo was kidnapped by the Mafia and managed to escape by tackling the driver of the car taking him to his death, and crashing it into a tree. And then later? He was shot up so bad he had both lungs punctured and pretty much the only reason he was able to pull through was sheer stubbornness. And while Alex is no spring chicken, he can still lodge his prosthetic foot so far up your ass you'll be coughing up plastic for weeks without even being able to counter it. He got shot, too, and is more than capable in a gunfight.

What I'm saying is, not only is this lazy writing, it's a gross disservice to two of the most capable characters in the entire series, solely because EVL is a fucking lazy bastard and because his Bourne is a Mary Sue who can do everything perfectly all by himself.

So from here on out, he shall be referred to as Bourne-Sue.

Because he isn't fucking Jason Bourne. (And he's not fucking Matt Damon, either. :V)

So, let's add four more:

Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 24

Because Bourne is not supposed to be unstoppable, the entire point is that he has to rely on his support network (especially in the last book), and you can't just kill main characters off offscreen with no preamble and they would have at least fought Conklin's not stupid he would have had a billion alarms I'm so FUCKING ANGRY YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT I WOULDN'T PISS ON YOU IF YOU WERE ON FIRE

Phew, that feels better, I think. Maybe. Fuck. God. I'll probably keep coming back to that. Stick with me, lads - the Gratuitous Violations of Canon only get worse.

It's really cold in this Metro station, but at least I have the burning fire of my hatred to keep me warm.

I've been picking at a spitefic for years involving this scene, and this might give me the impetus I need to finish it. And then I might send it to the Ludlum Estate like "look. this man is insane. look what he did to this. how did this happen. how. give me the rights i will make things happy and good again"

And I want to warn you all that the subsequent books only get worse.

Right - let's crack this bastard open like a stuffed pillbug.

Bourne-Sue is convinced that THIS IS A TRAP because the assassin wanted to herd him to Conklin, which....this does not make sense? He drove immediately from Georgetown, about the same time as Khan left (we all know it's Khan, let's not play), and it takes a dick-long amount of time to get to Manassas from DC with traffic. Given that it's mentioned later in this chapter that the sun is setting, that's rush hour. And rush hour in DC, especially involving the Beltway and Route 66, is hell on earth.

This is like a bad word problem: If two men leave at the same time, headed to the same place, on the same roads, how will one get to the destination before the other with enough time to murder people unnoticed and call the police on the second man?

(The answer is fuck you.)

Physics? What Physics?: 2

Because apparently, there are wormholes. And Bourne-Sue is an idiot if he thinks this is what happened.

Without a second thought, Bourne grabbed Alex's cell phone, ran into the kitchen, opened a narrow door onto a steep flight of stairs down into the basement and peered down into pitch blackness. He could hear the crackling of the police radios, the crunch of gravel, the pounding on the front door. Querulous voices raised.

There are so many things wrong here...

The front door was unlocked and ajar when Bourne came in. How did you forget this already? This was like two pages ago.

Also, querulous: characterized by or uttered in complaint; peevish.

I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means: 4

Basically, Bourne-Sue fucked up everything he possibly could forensics-wise, because he's NOT ACTUALLY JASON FUCKING BOURNE.

Too late he thought of the old-fashioned glass he had picked up. When the forensics people dust, they'll find my prints. Those, along with my car parked in the driveway...

No good thinking about that now, he had to move!

...

The real Jason Bourne would have taken care of this way, way before. Also, the fingerprints thing? Already happened in Identity. Fuck. Off.

So he escapes the Virginia State Police, and now Khan is set up in the woods. And now Bourne-Sue spares a thought for Marie, his fucking badass wife, and he texts her a shitty code word and she texts back and takes the kids and leaves and that's all we see of her I'm not kidding I hate this book I hate this author I am full of death.

Since he took Alex's phone, the police will find it missing, and go back through the text history, and find his fingerprints. How will they find it? TRIANGU-FUCKING-LATION this is so stupid

It seemed astonishing and altogether improbable to him that he could both love and loathe this man. How mysterious the human mind that it could simultaneously contain such extreme contradictory emotions, that it could rationalize away those evil qualities it knew were there in order to feel affection for someone. But, Bourne knew, the need to love and be loved was a human imperative.

Eat my anus.

A Composition in Heliotrope: 4

And because I'm sick of this vacillation about Alex that was totally resolved before the end of Supremacy:

Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 25

Khan goes all DEATH FROM ABOVE and jumps on Bourne-Sue from a tree, knocking him into the stream. There's a garbage fight scene which isn't even worth recapping.

Oh, fuck. OH, FUCK. OH, NO.

WE HAVE ENCOUNTERED MY LEAST-FAVORITE CHARACTER.

MARTIN PISS-HUFFING LINDROS.

Also known as, EVL's self-insert Sue, as far as I can tell, at least for the first two books.

Martin Lindros, Deputy Director of the CIA, arrived at the Manassas estate of the late Alexander Conklin at precisely six minutes past six. He was met by the ranking Virginia State Police detective, a harried, balding man named Harris who was trying to mediate the territorial dispute that had sprung up between the state police, the county sheriff's office and the FBI, all of whom had begun vying for jurisdiction as soon as the identities of the deceased had been discovered.

I've been dealing with enough true-crime stuff to know that, while interdepartmental squabbles aren't exactly a thing of the past, they're way less common than they used to be, and this would be. Insane. Especially if it was such a big stinkin' deal about Alex and Mo's identities. Which it shouldn't be. Because --

He'd gotten word from the FBI when he'd been patched through to them that Webb's car had been found parked in Conklin's driveway. Not Webb, really. Jason Bourne. Which was why the Director of Central Intelligence had dispatched him to take over the investigation personally.

I hate you. Anyway, uh...that's what...

EVL = Jerry Jenkins: 3

Because I hate this "exposit exposit exposit" thing that happens whenever a new character is introduced. And...

Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 26

Because of their identities being a huge deal because kjsldfkfkjDJKASKDLJKHFUJIKOESDL>l;defjdm,s

And another one for making me mad again.

Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 27

Ohhhhh, I hope a wasp flies up your urethra.

Lindros was in his late thirties, a smart sandy-haired Ivy Leaguer who had been recruited to the Agency out of Georgetown. Lindros' father had been a strong-willed man who spoke his mind and had his own way of doing things. He instilled this quirky independence in young Martin, along with the sense of duty to his country, and Lindros believed it was these qualities that had caught the attention of the DCI.

Martin fuckin Lindros Mary Sue dickhole stupid cocknugget.

I hate this guy.

Meanwhile, Spalko has a guy spying on both Bourne-Sue and Khan, and there's more nonsense about Conklin heading up the Medusa operation (sigh):

Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 28

The sun had slipped below the horizon, leaving the sky the color of a banked fire.[...] The forest was cloaked in indigo, and yet he felt as exposed as if he were in a treeless expanse beneath a cloudless sky.

A Composition in Heliotrope: 5

He recalled Conklin telling him that the northwestern edge of the property abutted a series of caves honeycombed with chimneys, natural vertical holes the Indians had once used to vent their cooking fires.

I'm not even sure this makes sense given that he's in Manassas?? I don't think it does. Also, "Indians"? Really?? ? ??? You weren't even going to at least say "Native Americans", or put a modicum of effort into looking up the tribes in the area?

Oh yeah, and
How Are You This Racist?!: 13

Jesus Hussein Christ.

Blah, blah, Khan finds him, and it turns out - Khan didn't shoot them at all! Khan could kill Bourne-Sue right now, but noooo, he wants to look into Bourne-Sue's eyes while he kills him, so he can jizz all over his own teeth while Bourne-Sue dies.

Because The Plot Says So: 5

Also,

He could hear the other's breathing, an incongruously intimate sound, like listening to a child's breath beside you.

I think I speak for all of us when I say, what. Subtle Foreshadowing™, too.

Apparently, Khan didn't kill my bois! To which I say, no shit, Sherlock, that'd make no sense. BUT THEN WHO WAS PHONE?????!

There's another boring short fight scene - seriously, these fight scenes are about as captivating and suspenseful as IKEA assembly instructions - and Khan triggers a trap. Bourne decided it was fun to weave a net out of some vines and try and catch Khan in it goddamn it goddamn it goddamn it I'm so done I'm so fucking done. Anyway, Khan slices his way out of that because that was a fucking terrible plan.

This chapter sucked.

EVL = Jerry Jenkins: 3
I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means: 4
A Composition in Heliotrope: 5
Physics? What Physics?: 2
Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 28
Because The Plot Says So: 5
How Are You This Racist?!: 13
'80s Ninja Choreography: 1

This is way more tolerable with alcohol. Just saying.