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Interlude: Post-Traumatic
Interlude Title: Post-Traumatic
Canon: PPC
Rating: T, for swears (Kitty’s got a mouth on her these days), and discussion of suicidal thoughts.
Agents: Callahan, K.; Trevelyan, A.
Time Period: May 2010 HST
Word Count: 2541
Summary: Three years embedded in a canon that ends up splintering into a new one (even if it only feels like six months) would mess anyone up. We all know what comes next.
[Kitty’s portion is immediately prior to/during Interlude: A Changed Man and Alec’s is immediately after Interlude: O Lazarus.]
Warning: Discussion of suicidal thoughts.
Evaluation #: FP-06832
Subject: Callahan, K.
Evaluator: Moore, P.
Date, HST: 19/05/2010
M: Agent Callahan, thank you for seeing me today.
C.: Uh, not really my choice, but okay, yeah, good to be here, I guess. Also, sorry for what happened last time you evaluated Alec. I had to leap up on him like a spider monkey and put him in a chokehold before telling him off.
M: That’s…quite all right, thank you, Agent Callahan.
C.: For once, I’m the one who has to take him everywhere twice, once to apologize. It’s a nice feeling, being smug about him. I could get used to it.
M: Right. Let’s continue, shall we?
C.: Sure.
M: Judging by Agent Trevelyan’s mission reports, you both went through quite a lot.
C.: No duh, man. I had elective amnesia, made friends who I was going to eventually kill, I freakin’ died, and then I had to fight a bunch of gods-damned demons.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
M: Agent Callahan?
C.: …Alec died in front of me. I still don’t really remember what happened, but I brought him back somehow. Elective amnesia. Like I said. From what everyone else told me, I just kind of…went crazy. Did a whole lot of murder. No charging, but like, when you’re being attacked by hordes of demons, no time to really charge, you know? And it’s not like that was going to happen anyway.
M: Elective amnesia.
C.: Elective amnesia.
M: Why did you accept the mission?
C.: [Subject shrugs.] I kind of had to, you know? It was…bad. Like, really bad. I had to. There was a lot of bad, it was really warping the canon, but there was also, a lot of…good, I guess? Which is why it splintered off, in the end.
M: Tell me about that.
C.: I was in a coma for three fucking days. I don’t know. It happened when I was unconscious.
M: Right.
C.: I think the demons might have been the last straw. Like, okay, sure, vampires are in Harry Potter. But a demon horde? Uh-uh. No way.
M: Was there anything you noticed prior to that?
C.: I don’t know. Looking back, maybe, I guess. Things felt…weird. But things were always weird there. Hell, they are always weird there. Did you know there’s a me there and a me here? It’s its own canon and I’m part of that canon as a PPC agent, and so is Alec, so they’re, uh, protecting their own canon, which is super, super weird.
M: That’s—
C.: It’s an enormous mindfuck, is what it is.
M: I wouldn’t quite put it that way, but I suppose so.
C.: At least my friends are okay. I really do consider them friends, you know? Karia and Arden and the rest. Even Renasance, the damn weirdo. And it’s…nice to have friends outside the PPC. D’you know that’s the most “normal” I’ve ever been? I went to school, I had friends. I’ve spent all my life in the PPC, or at least all of it that I can remember. And I don’t…it’s…
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
C.: [Subject is choked up.] It’s weird being normal, you know? Alec had a life before this, Boromir had a life before this. The rest of the Team, they’re…they’ve had more time to adjust, they’re making themselves up as they go and they don’t seem to mind. But they’ve never had a taste of being normal. The me there is gonna keep going to school, keep learning, keep being a person. What the hell am I gonna do? Keep killing people? Stare at Generic Surface until I go crazy? What’s my—what the fuck am I doing here?!
[There is silence for a moment.]
M: I’m afraid I can’t answer that.
C.: Bullshit, you can’t.
M: I’m serious. It’s your purpose, Agent Callahan. You’re the only one who can discover it. I’m just here to help you along the way.
C.: [Subject speaks quietly.] I don’t know what to do.
M: Agent Callahan—
C.: [Subject seems agitated.] All I do is kill. You’re FicPsych, you don’t get it. I was sent there to kill. I made friends with the people I was supposed to kill! I didn’t even know I was supposed to kill them! But when I was activated, boom, I was gonna kill them all, and I wasn’t even gonna be sorry about it!
M: But you didn’t kill them.
C.: [Subject raises her voice.] I was supposed to!
[There is silence for a moment.]
M: Agent Callahan, if I may?
C.: [Subject seems frustrated.] Go ahead!
M: You may have been supposed to kill them, yes. But you didn’t. You can’t beat yourself up for something you didn’t do.
C.: Watch me.
M: Agent Callahan.
C.: [Subject raises her voice.] What?!
M: You cannot beat yourself up for something you did not do. You were ordered to, yes. It was your mission, yes. But you did not do it.
C.: But what if I had?!
M: You didn’t. That’s all that matters. If you mire yourself in hypotheticals, you’ll never progress.
C.: I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep seeing them all dead, I keep seeing myself killing them with a smile on my face and not even giving a shit that they were my friends. [Subject pauses.] Oh, shit.
M: What?
C.: Is that how Alec felt, back in the day? Was he going to kill James with a smile on his face and not give a shit, or would he be wracked with guilt later? Fuck.
M: Would you ask him?
C.: [Subject laughs.] Like hell. He doesn’t talk about it and I don’t ask. That’s his business.
M: All right. How do you think you’ll address this situation with your hypotheticals?
C.: I dunno. Probably have nightmares and cry a lot.
M: Crying can be good for you.
C.: It really, really sucks, though.
M: I’m going to recommend that you come in for regular evaluation until this situation is resolved.
C.: So am I cleared for duty, or what?
M: Provisionally.
C.: What’s that mean?
M: You may go on missions, but you’re not going to be killing anyone. My recommendation is that you be off DMS work for now.
C.: What?!
M: Nothing violent until we work these issues out.
C.: Uh, look at that! I’m cured!
M: Agent Callahan…
C.: Come on, please?
M: DMS work would be extremely unhealthy for you right now, Agent Callahan, I’m sorry. I recommend Disentanglement, Bad Het, or Bad Slash.
C.: I literally cannot believe this. [Subject pauses, and sounds agitated when she speaks again.] Do I still get to be partnered with Alec?
M: That would seem to be the most healthy thing for you, yes.
C.: [Subject sighs, presumably in relief.] Great. So that’s not completely terrible.
M: Remember, Agent Callahan, the faster you make progress, the faster you can return to your specialty of DMS work.
C.: …I’m cured?
M: Agent Callahan…
C.: Yeah, okay, okay. I’ll do my best.
M: That’s all I can ask. I’ll let you know when our next session will be.
C.: Okay, sure.
M: Goodbye, Agent Callahan.
C.: Yeah. Uh. Bye.
Evaluation #: FP-06833
Subject: Trevelyan, A.
Evaluator: Finley, H.
Date, HST: 19/05/2010
F: Agent Trevelyan, thank you for being here today.
T.: I will do a handstand in a pyroclastic flow to make my console stop beeping. Hit me.
F: …right. Your mission reports indicate that you incurred quite a lot of trauma during your mission in Valcentica. Your report from May 29, 2007 is particularly interesting due to the very little amount of important information given.
T.: I’m aware of the report you’re talking about, yes.
F: The one regarding the death of Agent Callahan.
T.: I said I was aware of the report you’re talking about.
F: You said that you didn’t want to discuss it in detail.
T.: That stands.
F: Agent Trevelyan—
T.: I don’t give a flying rat fuck if you give me a poor evaluation, I said that I don’t want to talk about it.
F: The mental trauma incurred by the sudden and violent death of your partner, however temporary—
T.: [Subject’s voice is threatening.] I’m sure that Dr. Moore has told you about what happened the last time one of you pushed me on something.
F: …very well.
T.: Next.
F: Let’s talk about your own death.
T.: Much better.
F: …an odd response.
T.: Why?
F: It’s unusual for an agent to be so cavalier about their own life.
T.: I was a double-O agent before this and the head of a crime syndicate after that. I’m not exactly new to danger.
F: Yes, I’ve read your file.
T.: I don’t appreciate the sarcasm, Dr. Finley.
F: That wasn’t intended to be sarcastic, Agent Trevelyan.
T.: And yet.
F: You’re deflecting.
T.: [Subject is sarcastic.] How can you tell?
F: I don’t appreciate the sarcasm, Agent Trevelyan. Now, the report referencing your own death is quite similar to the one previously mentioned, but you seem to be, as I said earlier, far more cavalier on what happened to you. Is there any particular reason why?
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: [Subject scoffs.] Would you like the reasons in alphabetical or chronological order?
F: Sarcasm, Agent Trevelyan.
T.: Honestly, would you like to know the reasons? Because I’m not sure that you do.
F: Of course I do. That’s why you’re here.
T.: All right. Chronological it is.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
F: Agent Trevelyan?
T.: Quiet. I’m putting them in order…all right. How about coming home from primary school to your alcoholic father’s murder-suicide of your mother for survivor’s guilt he couldn’t get over about escaping the Stalinist purges? How about joining an organization that requires you to put your life on the line daily to fight and kill the enemy of your birth country and your parents’ ethnic group? How about devising an elaborate plan to defect and betray the one true friend you ever had? How about burning half to death because of that friend unexpectedly changing one aspect of that plan? How about your bitterness growing year after year, your plan growing in complexity, waiting for technology to catch up to your ideas? How about every goal you’d had and planned meticulously for a decade getting ruined by the man who was once your friend? How about him killing you? How about being abducted by an alien and cloned? How about being dropped off to be someone else’s problem? How about falling in love with someone you can never have because the person writing the fanfic you’re in is a sadistic bastard? How about canon meaning that you’re due to get killed off to end that love triangle? How about being roped into an organization that’s too close to MI-6 for comfort? How about being forced to be around the person you’re still painfully in love with and not being able to do anything about it? How about watching the person you essentially consider the only family you have die in front of your eyes! I should have stopped it! I should have been able to stop it!
[There is silence for a moment.]
T.: …so that, Dr. Finley, is why I honestly don’t care if I die.
F: Do you not care, or do you want to die?
T.: Does it matter?
F: Yes.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: I don’t know.
F: That’s not a comforting answer, Agent Trevelyan.
T.: I’ve long since learned to dispose with comforting lies.
F: Would you deliberately put yourself in danger?
T.: No. I don’t want to kill myself that badly.
F: You just said you want to kill yourself.
T.: Maybe I do. I’ve died before. It’s not so bad.
F: Please don’t be so cavalier about this.
T.: Why not? I’ve always been cavalier about my own safety.
F: Agent Trevelyan.
T.: Why shouldn’t I be? It’s not as though anything of value would be lost.
F: Agent Trevelyan.
T.: You know, when I died, I was relieved. I had a lot that I wanted to tell Callahan, but that was because she’d had her memory wiped. Otherwise, I was relieved. Finally. I’ve done too much wrong to be allowed to stay alive.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: I almost did it, you know. While I was there. It was only Sto-Helit who stopped me. Karia. [Subject laughs quietly.] She called me self-centered. That’s not news to me.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: That’s what Callahan said the first time we met. That I’m self-centered, that everything I do is self-centered. And she’s right, I know that. We both do. I’m no saint. I’ve never claimed to be. I kill for a living. I have all my life. I made my peace with that a long time ago. And if I die, then so be it. Some small measure of balance will be restored.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: I’m not allowed to, I’m not…supposed to. To do anything about it would go against the Oath I took. That damn Oath. [Subject laughs, sounding bitter.] I’d have been better off never finding that fucking book.
F: Do you really think that?
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: I don’t know.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: [Subject sighs.] No, I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it to stop.
F: “It”?
T.: All of it.
F: So would you—
T.: No, I wouldn’t actively put myself in danger. But I wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice myself for a friend.
F: Or your family.
T.: [Subject speaks quietly.] …or my family.
[There is silence for a moment.]
F: In light of this session, Agent Trevelyan, I’m clearing you for provisional duty.
T.: And that means…?
F: Nothing dangerous. No DMS work. Exorcisms and Disentanglement only, that sort of thing.
T.: I’m not trained for those.
F: You’ve done them before.
T.: That doesn’t mean I’ve been trained properly.
F: That’s my professional recommendation, Agent Trevelyan. Take it up with the Flowers if you wish.
T.: Any other professional recommendations I should know about?
F: You’re to return for regular sessions.
T.: No.
F: Agent Trevelyan, this is non-negotiable. I won’t let you threaten me out of this, either. We have wild agents and reckless agents, but passively suicidal agents need to be seen to.
T.: And if I don’t?
F: You’ll face disciplinary action.
T.: I don’t care. I don’t need my brain picked apart.
F: I barely did anything, Agent Trevelyan. You said it all on your own. You clearly needed to get some things off your chest.
[There is silence for a moment.]
T.: These records would be sealed, correct?
F: Yes. If I have reason to believe you would hurt yourself or others, I would let someone know, but without details.
T.: Fine. I agree on that condition.
F: I’ll let you know when you’re to see me next.
T.: Is that all?
F: That’s all, Agent Trevelyan. You may go.
[End Recording.]
Canon: PPC
Rating: T, for swears (Kitty’s got a mouth on her these days), and discussion of suicidal thoughts.
Agents: Callahan, K.; Trevelyan, A.
Time Period: May 2010 HST
Word Count: 2541
Summary: Three years embedded in a canon that ends up splintering into a new one (even if it only feels like six months) would mess anyone up. We all know what comes next.
[Kitty’s portion is immediately prior to/during Interlude: A Changed Man and Alec’s is immediately after Interlude: O Lazarus.]
Warning: Discussion of suicidal thoughts.
Evaluation #: FP-06832
Subject: Callahan, K.
Evaluator: Moore, P.
Date, HST: 19/05/2010
M: Agent Callahan, thank you for seeing me today.
C.: Uh, not really my choice, but okay, yeah, good to be here, I guess. Also, sorry for what happened last time you evaluated Alec. I had to leap up on him like a spider monkey and put him in a chokehold before telling him off.
M: That’s…quite all right, thank you, Agent Callahan.
C.: For once, I’m the one who has to take him everywhere twice, once to apologize. It’s a nice feeling, being smug about him. I could get used to it.
M: Right. Let’s continue, shall we?
C.: Sure.
M: Judging by Agent Trevelyan’s mission reports, you both went through quite a lot.
C.: No duh, man. I had elective amnesia, made friends who I was going to eventually kill, I freakin’ died, and then I had to fight a bunch of gods-damned demons.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
M: Agent Callahan?
C.: …Alec died in front of me. I still don’t really remember what happened, but I brought him back somehow. Elective amnesia. Like I said. From what everyone else told me, I just kind of…went crazy. Did a whole lot of murder. No charging, but like, when you’re being attacked by hordes of demons, no time to really charge, you know? And it’s not like that was going to happen anyway.
M: Elective amnesia.
C.: Elective amnesia.
M: Why did you accept the mission?
C.: [Subject shrugs.] I kind of had to, you know? It was…bad. Like, really bad. I had to. There was a lot of bad, it was really warping the canon, but there was also, a lot of…good, I guess? Which is why it splintered off, in the end.
M: Tell me about that.
C.: I was in a coma for three fucking days. I don’t know. It happened when I was unconscious.
M: Right.
C.: I think the demons might have been the last straw. Like, okay, sure, vampires are in Harry Potter. But a demon horde? Uh-uh. No way.
M: Was there anything you noticed prior to that?
C.: I don’t know. Looking back, maybe, I guess. Things felt…weird. But things were always weird there. Hell, they are always weird there. Did you know there’s a me there and a me here? It’s its own canon and I’m part of that canon as a PPC agent, and so is Alec, so they’re, uh, protecting their own canon, which is super, super weird.
M: That’s—
C.: It’s an enormous mindfuck, is what it is.
M: I wouldn’t quite put it that way, but I suppose so.
C.: At least my friends are okay. I really do consider them friends, you know? Karia and Arden and the rest. Even Renasance, the damn weirdo. And it’s…nice to have friends outside the PPC. D’you know that’s the most “normal” I’ve ever been? I went to school, I had friends. I’ve spent all my life in the PPC, or at least all of it that I can remember. And I don’t…it’s…
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
C.: [Subject is choked up.] It’s weird being normal, you know? Alec had a life before this, Boromir had a life before this. The rest of the Team, they’re…they’ve had more time to adjust, they’re making themselves up as they go and they don’t seem to mind. But they’ve never had a taste of being normal. The me there is gonna keep going to school, keep learning, keep being a person. What the hell am I gonna do? Keep killing people? Stare at Generic Surface until I go crazy? What’s my—what the fuck am I doing here?!
[There is silence for a moment.]
M: I’m afraid I can’t answer that.
C.: Bullshit, you can’t.
M: I’m serious. It’s your purpose, Agent Callahan. You’re the only one who can discover it. I’m just here to help you along the way.
C.: [Subject speaks quietly.] I don’t know what to do.
M: Agent Callahan—
C.: [Subject seems agitated.] All I do is kill. You’re FicPsych, you don’t get it. I was sent there to kill. I made friends with the people I was supposed to kill! I didn’t even know I was supposed to kill them! But when I was activated, boom, I was gonna kill them all, and I wasn’t even gonna be sorry about it!
M: But you didn’t kill them.
C.: [Subject raises her voice.] I was supposed to!
[There is silence for a moment.]
M: Agent Callahan, if I may?
C.: [Subject seems frustrated.] Go ahead!
M: You may have been supposed to kill them, yes. But you didn’t. You can’t beat yourself up for something you didn’t do.
C.: Watch me.
M: Agent Callahan.
C.: [Subject raises her voice.] What?!
M: You cannot beat yourself up for something you did not do. You were ordered to, yes. It was your mission, yes. But you did not do it.
C.: But what if I had?!
M: You didn’t. That’s all that matters. If you mire yourself in hypotheticals, you’ll never progress.
C.: I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep seeing them all dead, I keep seeing myself killing them with a smile on my face and not even giving a shit that they were my friends. [Subject pauses.] Oh, shit.
M: What?
C.: Is that how Alec felt, back in the day? Was he going to kill James with a smile on his face and not give a shit, or would he be wracked with guilt later? Fuck.
M: Would you ask him?
C.: [Subject laughs.] Like hell. He doesn’t talk about it and I don’t ask. That’s his business.
M: All right. How do you think you’ll address this situation with your hypotheticals?
C.: I dunno. Probably have nightmares and cry a lot.
M: Crying can be good for you.
C.: It really, really sucks, though.
M: I’m going to recommend that you come in for regular evaluation until this situation is resolved.
C.: So am I cleared for duty, or what?
M: Provisionally.
C.: What’s that mean?
M: You may go on missions, but you’re not going to be killing anyone. My recommendation is that you be off DMS work for now.
C.: What?!
M: Nothing violent until we work these issues out.
C.: Uh, look at that! I’m cured!
M: Agent Callahan…
C.: Come on, please?
M: DMS work would be extremely unhealthy for you right now, Agent Callahan, I’m sorry. I recommend Disentanglement, Bad Het, or Bad Slash.
C.: I literally cannot believe this. [Subject pauses, and sounds agitated when she speaks again.] Do I still get to be partnered with Alec?
M: That would seem to be the most healthy thing for you, yes.
C.: [Subject sighs, presumably in relief.] Great. So that’s not completely terrible.
M: Remember, Agent Callahan, the faster you make progress, the faster you can return to your specialty of DMS work.
C.: …I’m cured?
M: Agent Callahan…
C.: Yeah, okay, okay. I’ll do my best.
M: That’s all I can ask. I’ll let you know when our next session will be.
C.: Okay, sure.
M: Goodbye, Agent Callahan.
C.: Yeah. Uh. Bye.
Evaluation #: FP-06833
Subject: Trevelyan, A.
Evaluator: Finley, H.
Date, HST: 19/05/2010
F: Agent Trevelyan, thank you for being here today.
T.: I will do a handstand in a pyroclastic flow to make my console stop beeping. Hit me.
F: …right. Your mission reports indicate that you incurred quite a lot of trauma during your mission in Valcentica. Your report from May 29, 2007 is particularly interesting due to the very little amount of important information given.
T.: I’m aware of the report you’re talking about, yes.
F: The one regarding the death of Agent Callahan.
T.: I said I was aware of the report you’re talking about.
F: You said that you didn’t want to discuss it in detail.
T.: That stands.
F: Agent Trevelyan—
T.: I don’t give a flying rat fuck if you give me a poor evaluation, I said that I don’t want to talk about it.
F: The mental trauma incurred by the sudden and violent death of your partner, however temporary—
T.: [Subject’s voice is threatening.] I’m sure that Dr. Moore has told you about what happened the last time one of you pushed me on something.
F: …very well.
T.: Next.
F: Let’s talk about your own death.
T.: Much better.
F: …an odd response.
T.: Why?
F: It’s unusual for an agent to be so cavalier about their own life.
T.: I was a double-O agent before this and the head of a crime syndicate after that. I’m not exactly new to danger.
F: Yes, I’ve read your file.
T.: I don’t appreciate the sarcasm, Dr. Finley.
F: That wasn’t intended to be sarcastic, Agent Trevelyan.
T.: And yet.
F: You’re deflecting.
T.: [Subject is sarcastic.] How can you tell?
F: I don’t appreciate the sarcasm, Agent Trevelyan. Now, the report referencing your own death is quite similar to the one previously mentioned, but you seem to be, as I said earlier, far more cavalier on what happened to you. Is there any particular reason why?
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: [Subject scoffs.] Would you like the reasons in alphabetical or chronological order?
F: Sarcasm, Agent Trevelyan.
T.: Honestly, would you like to know the reasons? Because I’m not sure that you do.
F: Of course I do. That’s why you’re here.
T.: All right. Chronological it is.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
F: Agent Trevelyan?
T.: Quiet. I’m putting them in order…all right. How about coming home from primary school to your alcoholic father’s murder-suicide of your mother for survivor’s guilt he couldn’t get over about escaping the Stalinist purges? How about joining an organization that requires you to put your life on the line daily to fight and kill the enemy of your birth country and your parents’ ethnic group? How about devising an elaborate plan to defect and betray the one true friend you ever had? How about burning half to death because of that friend unexpectedly changing one aspect of that plan? How about your bitterness growing year after year, your plan growing in complexity, waiting for technology to catch up to your ideas? How about every goal you’d had and planned meticulously for a decade getting ruined by the man who was once your friend? How about him killing you? How about being abducted by an alien and cloned? How about being dropped off to be someone else’s problem? How about falling in love with someone you can never have because the person writing the fanfic you’re in is a sadistic bastard? How about canon meaning that you’re due to get killed off to end that love triangle? How about being roped into an organization that’s too close to MI-6 for comfort? How about being forced to be around the person you’re still painfully in love with and not being able to do anything about it? How about watching the person you essentially consider the only family you have die in front of your eyes! I should have stopped it! I should have been able to stop it!
[There is silence for a moment.]
T.: …so that, Dr. Finley, is why I honestly don’t care if I die.
F: Do you not care, or do you want to die?
T.: Does it matter?
F: Yes.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: I don’t know.
F: That’s not a comforting answer, Agent Trevelyan.
T.: I’ve long since learned to dispose with comforting lies.
F: Would you deliberately put yourself in danger?
T.: No. I don’t want to kill myself that badly.
F: You just said you want to kill yourself.
T.: Maybe I do. I’ve died before. It’s not so bad.
F: Please don’t be so cavalier about this.
T.: Why not? I’ve always been cavalier about my own safety.
F: Agent Trevelyan.
T.: Why shouldn’t I be? It’s not as though anything of value would be lost.
F: Agent Trevelyan.
T.: You know, when I died, I was relieved. I had a lot that I wanted to tell Callahan, but that was because she’d had her memory wiped. Otherwise, I was relieved. Finally. I’ve done too much wrong to be allowed to stay alive.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: I almost did it, you know. While I was there. It was only Sto-Helit who stopped me. Karia. [Subject laughs quietly.] She called me self-centered. That’s not news to me.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: That’s what Callahan said the first time we met. That I’m self-centered, that everything I do is self-centered. And she’s right, I know that. We both do. I’m no saint. I’ve never claimed to be. I kill for a living. I have all my life. I made my peace with that a long time ago. And if I die, then so be it. Some small measure of balance will be restored.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: I’m not allowed to, I’m not…supposed to. To do anything about it would go against the Oath I took. That damn Oath. [Subject laughs, sounding bitter.] I’d have been better off never finding that fucking book.
F: Do you really think that?
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: I don’t know.
[Subject is silent for a moment.]
T.: [Subject sighs.] No, I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it to stop.
F: “It”?
T.: All of it.
F: So would you—
T.: No, I wouldn’t actively put myself in danger. But I wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice myself for a friend.
F: Or your family.
T.: [Subject speaks quietly.] …or my family.
[There is silence for a moment.]
F: In light of this session, Agent Trevelyan, I’m clearing you for provisional duty.
T.: And that means…?
F: Nothing dangerous. No DMS work. Exorcisms and Disentanglement only, that sort of thing.
T.: I’m not trained for those.
F: You’ve done them before.
T.: That doesn’t mean I’ve been trained properly.
F: That’s my professional recommendation, Agent Trevelyan. Take it up with the Flowers if you wish.
T.: Any other professional recommendations I should know about?
F: You’re to return for regular sessions.
T.: No.
F: Agent Trevelyan, this is non-negotiable. I won’t let you threaten me out of this, either. We have wild agents and reckless agents, but passively suicidal agents need to be seen to.
T.: And if I don’t?
F: You’ll face disciplinary action.
T.: I don’t care. I don’t need my brain picked apart.
F: I barely did anything, Agent Trevelyan. You said it all on your own. You clearly needed to get some things off your chest.
[There is silence for a moment.]
T.: These records would be sealed, correct?
F: Yes. If I have reason to believe you would hurt yourself or others, I would let someone know, but without details.
T.: Fine. I agree on that condition.
F: I’ll let you know when you’re to see me next.
T.: Is that all?
F: That’s all, Agent Trevelyan. You may go.
[End Recording.]