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Alex Eviscerates The Bourne Legacy: Chapter Four
Hurff...okay, I took a well-deserved break because of a lot of reasons. But let's get this row on the choad, as it were.
Onwards and upwards, or some shit.
...well, I'm already bored. Bourne-Sue's hitchhiking and spinning some utterly stupid lie about how he got a flat tire, tripped over a tree root, and landed in the stream to explain his state. Seriously. I'm serious. I hate this.
He and the truck driver wangst over family - specifically, over the truck driver's son.
Fuck it - here we go.
Subtle Foreshadowing™: 2
For this instance and the one in the last chapter. I hate this book.
There's a roadblock up ahead, and then all of a sudden, an all-too-convenient convenience store just before the roadblock. So Bourne-Sue ditches and goes to the convenience store and picks up some snackies and essentials, except for a phone charger. Everything is Symbolic - the clerk is even reading a book that reminds him of his time after Vietnam.
Oh, and--
Look, maybe it's just Subtle Foreshadowing™ for me because I've read this already, but come on, you're beating me over the head with the WOW BOURNE SURE DID LOSE HIS WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN IN PHNOM PENH AND WE'RE SURE FIXATING ON SONS HMM WHY IS THAT
I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS
Meanwhile, at the nearby seedy motel...look, okay, Manassas isn't that fucking shady. It's nice! It's all historical and shit!!
/pinches the bridge of their nose
This is stupid for a staggering number of reasons.
One: Really? The CIA leaked the news of the murders to the press - not the local press, but CNN?
Two: In the process, the CIA is outing a retired employee as, well, a "government person", and lumping a psychiatrist who consults for them in addition to working at Walter Reed for the Army into "government people" too?
Three: Y'all do know that blasting that kind of news everywhere is the quickest way to get the killer to go to ground, right? If they're trying to flush out Bourne-Sue or get him to turn himself in, THIS IS THE WORST WAY TO DO IT. Y'ALL KNOW HOW GOOD HE IS AT HIDING AND DISAPPEARING. THEY CALL HIM "THE CHAMELEON" FOR A GOOD GODDAMNED FUCKING REASON.
Four: NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT AROUND HERE. Bro, do you even lift? Sure, we might joke, but, um...like, working directly for or contracting for the federal government is what most white-collar workers in this area do, and it's no secret. Even when it seems unrelated; I worked for a nonprofit that promoted international science engagement and we still worked on contracts for the federal government. Hell, that was what...hmm...about 80-90% of our funders were.
THIS IS STUPID.
Stupid enough for a new count: Bro, Do You Even Lift? This is for when I'm pointing out the plotholes and research fails in a book by A BESTSELLING THRILLER WRITER. WHO SUPPOSEDLY LIVES AROUND HERE.
Bro, Do You Even Lift?: 4
Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 30
I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means: 6
The Inigo Montoya is for the grammar fail in "his breath smelled unpleasantly from coffee and bile", and the Gratuitous Violations of Canon is because of that stupid "government men" thing. Yes, I'm petty.
So Bourne-Sue's back in his room, eating peanut butter and crackers, and watching CNN and there's more stupid bullshit about the terrorism summit IN CASE YOU FUCKING FORGOT HEY DID YOU FORGET THERE'S A TERRORISM SUMMIT WELL THERE'S A TERRORISM SUMMIT
Jeez, I might need a hand-holding count at this point.
Subtle Foreshadowing™: 4 because DID YOU FORGET THERE'S A TERRORISM SUMMIT IT'S IN ICELAND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THERE'S A TERRORISM SUMMIT
Aaaaand then they put Bourne-Sue's picture up on the screen and say he's a dangerous wanted man and basically pull an America's Most Wanted on him and I scream into my own elbow because of how FUCKING DUMB THIS IS LIKE LITERALLY THE WORST POSSIBLE IDEA
Bro, Do You Even Lift?: 5
Bourne-Sue is like "welp time to get off my ass" and auto-redials the number from Conklin's cell phone, and is surprised to find that it's a tailor. He is also apparently too fucking stupid to connect "tailor" to "spy shit" right off the bat because come on, buddy. It takes him a whole shower to figure out that OH CONKLIN ACTUALLY GOES TO A DIFFERENT TAILOR SO THIS IS A MORE DIFFERENT S
/rubs temples
Thank Christ, we have a state transition to our Dragons, Hasan Arsenov and Zina Hasiyev, "[his] trusted lieutenant as well as his lover". Yes, it's still shitty, but it's not Bourne-Sue, so...look, I'm saying a tsetse fly is better than a bullet ant.
Something, something, stupid, boredom, the Shakyh is going to help the Chechens take their place in the Islamic world, confirmation that Arsenov had a hand in Murat's assassination, symbolic dreams, I consider poisoning my hot chocolate. They're in Budapest. Prepare to get well sick of Budapest.
This is all exposition about the Shaykh. CAN YOU GUESS WHO THE SHAYKH IS YET? I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS. WE'VE MET HIM BEFORE.
SURPRISE, IT'S SPALKO god jesus I hate everything
there's some more urple prose I don't feel like copypastaing but it sucks trust me
A Composition in Heliotrope: 6
A Composition in Heliotrope: 7
"Overwhelmed by the largesse of your hospitality" fuck off fuck off that's so unnecessarily flowery especially for the character that Arsenov is supposed to be, like - "overwhelmed by your largesse," fine, "overwhelmed by your hospitality," fine, but "overwhelmed by the largesse of your hospitality"? fuck you.
Honestly, this chapter isn't interesting at all. It's just boring. It's really boring.
God. I just. God. I can't even muster up the energy to continue sporking this chapter, it's so...dull...
...
okay I just got some coffee I'm back now. This is still really fucking dull though and I'm doing you all a favor by skimming over it.
Long, involved Sufi ritual is detailed, which I super side-eye because Spalko is just using it to manipulate them, but idk if that's the point or if the point is Islamophobia because a lot of emphasis has been placed on how woo-woo the Sufis are in comparison to the Sunnis. Oh, those wacky Sufis.
Seriously, I might need to start an Islamophobia count.
Also they cut themselves and offered him their blood?? In a stemmed glass?? Is Spalko a fucking vampire or is this part of the ritual???????? nobody knows
And then Spalko gives them WEPON. And alludes to his Evil Plan. And the Nairobi subplot is mentioned. And thank Christ the boring section is over and we STATE TRANSITION to everyone's favorite psychopath, Khan, who is having a SYMBOLIC DREAM.
Also, he's a Buddhist. Buddhist assassin. Sit with that information for a moment. Absorb it into your soul. Look back on the life choices that have brought you to this moment and figure out what else you could have done to avoid learning this. It's too late. If I have to suffer, you have to suffer with me.
We also learn he has a tragic past, because of human trafficking, and look, I am all about treating human trafficking as a serious issue, because it is. It's one of my pet causes, so to say - fighting it, I mean. This is just vaguely-alluded-to Rape As Backstory and I hate it and I hate this author and I'm going to set fire to this PDF.
He's also called a "half-breed", and wow...since he's been described as Asian-looking before, and we know Webb's first wife was Thai, I wonder what this is leading up to! I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS!!!!!
Subtle Foreshadowing™: 5
Meanwhile, the motel owner called the po-po on Bourne-Sue, and they have come after him with a SWAT team. BUT NATURALLY HE IS ONE STEP AHEAD OF THEM and hid in the refrigerated compartment of a tractor trailer hauling strawberries. But the mechanism that would let him out is jammed! He's locked in! Womp womp.
Good. I hope he dies.
Next time on Alex Eviscerates The Bourne Legacy: ...oh, who the hell cares? /gets up and rolls away
EVL = Jerry Jenkins: 4
I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means: 6
A Composition in Heliotrope: 7
Physics? What Physics?: 2
Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 30
Because The Plot Says So: 7
How Are You This Racist?!: 19
'80s Ninja Choreography: 1
Subtle Foreshadowing™: 5
Bro, Do You Even Lift?: 5
Onwards and upwards, or some shit.
...well, I'm already bored. Bourne-Sue's hitchhiking and spinning some utterly stupid lie about how he got a flat tire, tripped over a tree root, and landed in the stream to explain his state. Seriously. I'm serious. I hate this.
He and the truck driver wangst over family - specifically, over the truck driver's son.
Fuck it - here we go.
Subtle Foreshadowing™: 2
For this instance and the one in the last chapter. I hate this book.
There's a roadblock up ahead, and then all of a sudden, an all-too-convenient convenience store just before the roadblock. So Bourne-Sue ditches and goes to the convenience store and picks up some snackies and essentials, except for a phone charger. Everything is Symbolic - the clerk is even reading a book that reminds him of his time after Vietnam.
Oh, and--
Fragments of his life came hurtling back—the blood, the death, the rage, the reckless killing, all to blot out the excruciating, never-ending pain of what had happened in the river just outside his house in Phnom Penh.Subtle Foreshadowing™: 3
Look, maybe it's just Subtle Foreshadowing™ for me because I've read this already, but come on, you're beating me over the head with the WOW BOURNE SURE DID LOSE HIS WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN IN PHNOM PENH AND WE'RE SURE FIXATING ON SONS HMM WHY IS THAT
I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS
Meanwhile, at the nearby seedy motel...look, okay, Manassas isn't that fucking shady. It's nice! It's all historical and shit!!
"Goddamn strange night," the spindly man rasped./deep breath
"How so?"
The spindly man's eyes lit up. "Don't tell me ya didn't hear about the murders?"
Bourne shook his head.
"Not twenty miles away." The spindly man leaned over the counter. His breath smelled unpleasantly from coffee and bile. "Two men—government people—nobody sayin' nothin' else about 'em, an' y'know what that means around here: hush-hush, deep-throat, cloak-an'-dagger, who the hell knows what they was up to? You turn on CNN when you get to the room, we got cable an' everything."
/pinches the bridge of their nose
This is stupid for a staggering number of reasons.
One: Really? The CIA leaked the news of the murders to the press - not the local press, but CNN?
Two: In the process, the CIA is outing a retired employee as, well, a "government person", and lumping a psychiatrist who consults for them in addition to working at Walter Reed for the Army into "government people" too?
Three: Y'all do know that blasting that kind of news everywhere is the quickest way to get the killer to go to ground, right? If they're trying to flush out Bourne-Sue or get him to turn himself in, THIS IS THE WORST WAY TO DO IT. Y'ALL KNOW HOW GOOD HE IS AT HIDING AND DISAPPEARING. THEY CALL HIM "THE CHAMELEON" FOR A GOOD GODDAMNED FUCKING REASON.
Four: NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT AROUND HERE. Bro, do you even lift? Sure, we might joke, but, um...like, working directly for or contracting for the federal government is what most white-collar workers in this area do, and it's no secret. Even when it seems unrelated; I worked for a nonprofit that promoted international science engagement and we still worked on contracts for the federal government. Hell, that was what...hmm...about 80-90% of our funders were.
THIS IS STUPID.
Stupid enough for a new count: Bro, Do You Even Lift? This is for when I'm pointing out the plotholes and research fails in a book by A BESTSELLING THRILLER WRITER. WHO SUPPOSEDLY LIVES AROUND HERE.
Bro, Do You Even Lift?: 4
Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 30
I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means: 6
The Inigo Montoya is for the grammar fail in "his breath smelled unpleasantly from coffee and bile", and the Gratuitous Violations of Canon is because of that stupid "government men" thing. Yes, I'm petty.
So Bourne-Sue's back in his room, eating peanut butter and crackers, and watching CNN and there's more stupid bullshit about the terrorism summit IN CASE YOU FUCKING FORGOT HEY DID YOU FORGET THERE'S A TERRORISM SUMMIT WELL THERE'S A TERRORISM SUMMIT
Jeez, I might need a hand-holding count at this point.
Subtle Foreshadowing™: 4 because DID YOU FORGET THERE'S A TERRORISM SUMMIT IT'S IN ICELAND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THERE'S A TERRORISM SUMMIT
Aaaaand then they put Bourne-Sue's picture up on the screen and say he's a dangerous wanted man and basically pull an America's Most Wanted on him and I scream into my own elbow because of how FUCKING DUMB THIS IS LIKE LITERALLY THE WORST POSSIBLE IDEA
Bro, Do You Even Lift?: 5
Bourne-Sue is like "welp time to get off my ass" and auto-redials the number from Conklin's cell phone, and is surprised to find that it's a tailor. He is also apparently too fucking stupid to connect "tailor" to "spy shit" right off the bat because come on, buddy. It takes him a whole shower to figure out that OH CONKLIN ACTUALLY GOES TO A DIFFERENT TAILOR SO THIS IS A MORE DIFFERENT S
/rubs temples
Thank Christ, we have a state transition to our Dragons, Hasan Arsenov and Zina Hasiyev, "[his] trusted lieutenant as well as his lover". Yes, it's still shitty, but it's not Bourne-Sue, so...look, I'm saying a tsetse fly is better than a bullet ant.
Something, something, stupid, boredom, the Shakyh is going to help the Chechens take their place in the Islamic world, confirmation that Arsenov had a hand in Murat's assassination, symbolic dreams, I consider poisoning my hot chocolate. They're in Budapest. Prepare to get well sick of Budapest.
This is all exposition about the Shaykh. CAN YOU GUESS WHO THE SHAYKH IS YET? I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS. WE'VE MET HIM BEFORE.
SURPRISE, IT'S SPALKO god jesus I hate everything
there's some more urple prose I don't feel like copypastaing but it sucks trust me
A Composition in Heliotrope: 6
"Shaykh," Arsenov said, "as always, we're overwhelmed by the largesse of your hospitality."Goddamn it I hate everyone and everything.
Spalko inclined his head. He was pleased with the name he had given himself in their world, which meant the Saint, friend of God. It struck the right note of reverence and awe, an exalted shepherd to his flock.
A Composition in Heliotrope: 7
"Overwhelmed by the largesse of your hospitality" fuck off fuck off that's so unnecessarily flowery especially for the character that Arsenov is supposed to be, like - "overwhelmed by your largesse," fine, "overwhelmed by your hospitality," fine, but "overwhelmed by the largesse of your hospitality"? fuck you.
Honestly, this chapter isn't interesting at all. It's just boring. It's really boring.
God. I just. God. I can't even muster up the energy to continue sporking this chapter, it's so...dull...
...
okay I just got some coffee I'm back now. This is still really fucking dull though and I'm doing you all a favor by skimming over it.
Long, involved Sufi ritual is detailed, which I super side-eye because Spalko is just using it to manipulate them, but idk if that's the point or if the point is Islamophobia because a lot of emphasis has been placed on how woo-woo the Sufis are in comparison to the Sunnis. Oh, those wacky Sufis.
Seriously, I might need to start an Islamophobia count.
Also they cut themselves and offered him their blood?? In a stemmed glass?? Is Spalko a fucking vampire or is this part of the ritual???????? nobody knows
And then Spalko gives them WEPON. And alludes to his Evil Plan. And the Nairobi subplot is mentioned. And thank Christ the boring section is over and we STATE TRANSITION to everyone's favorite psychopath, Khan, who is having a SYMBOLIC DREAM.
Also, he's a Buddhist. Buddhist assassin. Sit with that information for a moment. Absorb it into your soul. Look back on the life choices that have brought you to this moment and figure out what else you could have done to avoid learning this. It's too late. If I have to suffer, you have to suffer with me.
We also learn he has a tragic past, because of human trafficking, and look, I am all about treating human trafficking as a serious issue, because it is. It's one of my pet causes, so to say - fighting it, I mean. This is just vaguely-alluded-to Rape As Backstory and I hate it and I hate this author and I'm going to set fire to this PDF.
He's also called a "half-breed", and wow...since he's been described as Asian-looking before, and we know Webb's first wife was Thai, I wonder what this is leading up to! I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS!!!!!
Subtle Foreshadowing™: 5
Meanwhile, the motel owner called the po-po on Bourne-Sue, and they have come after him with a SWAT team. BUT NATURALLY HE IS ONE STEP AHEAD OF THEM and hid in the refrigerated compartment of a tractor trailer hauling strawberries. But the mechanism that would let him out is jammed! He's locked in! Womp womp.
Good. I hope he dies.
Next time on Alex Eviscerates The Bourne Legacy: ...oh, who the hell cares? /gets up and rolls away
EVL = Jerry Jenkins: 4
I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means: 6
A Composition in Heliotrope: 7
Physics? What Physics?: 2
Gratuitous Violations of Canon: 30
Because The Plot Says So: 7
How Are You This Racist?!: 19
'80s Ninja Choreography: 1
Subtle Foreshadowing™: 5
Bro, Do You Even Lift?: 5